The Idea Of Insecurity

The Idea Of Insecurity

On the trap of modern comparison, and what a hot shower reminded me about my younger self.

Ever since I had finished my sophomore spring semester I understood one thing about myself, that I wasn't good enough, but why? Now many will say to not compare yourself, but in a world where comparison is how your value is defined, it isn't easy to just have the ability to tune out that noise.

I hadn't always had these notions of self disbelief. The young Yaseen would be ready to fight a bear and hack into the most secure database in the world — like a mission impossible movie with my best friend. He compared himself to a version of himself that he always believed he would be. A smart, funny, well liked person with his very best friend at his side and his other female best friend in his home (married). I sometimes think about the simple expectations I had for myself and the lack of care. To be fair, the "lack of care" would be an outside judgement of the few expectations I had of myself.

In today's world of social media, we have a view of others and their accolades like no other. To see what everyone is and can do is no less than a lethal double edged sword. Starting a new hobby feels like a requirement at 20, making a million is a MUST before 26, and achieving the picture perfect life is at most a bare minimum. Or that is what my inner, chronically online, self would say.

Till I took a shower and the water felt too hot to stand in. Then a memory played in my mind, of me in the bathroom fighting to keep my hands in hot water to act tough. Because to me, it didn't matter if it seemed silly. If I was able to hold my hands in there for 20 seconds, I was strong enough to face anything. Though silly, it was almost inspiring to remember the virtues of being a child.

Now to go back to what I was saying in the beginning about not being 'good' enough. The so-called 'good' I was speaking about is my perceived version of me vs the combined accolades of over 10 billion humans on this planet. This may sound absurd, but even comparing yourself to just a single person is still part of this 'good'.

The advice of only comparing yourself to you from yesterday and discipline is the only way to achieve this seems very rugged and tough. I think the new way, at least the way I will continue to think about it, is to the kid that wants nothing more than to be his dreams. Seeing yourself as your own superhero is the confidence that may just make you go from comparing yourself to others to smiling for the hard moments in life.

• Yaseen